Finis
by melpomene-muse of tragedy
Summary: My take on Mulder's thoughts at the end of Gethsemene.


Disclaimer: I don't own the show, or the characters.

Author's Note: I wrote this between Gethsemene and Redux. The waiting was very hard for me so I vented the tension into this story.

* * *

Mulder sat on the couch in his apartment staring at the TV. He was playing a video. A video he'd watchedinnumerable times. But tonight he could barely hear the man speaking. Not that he needed to, he had it all memorized. 

The voices in his head were colliding, the sound from the TV, his memory of the tape, the memories from his past. But mostly tonight, when Scully had told him what she really believed. He'd always known Scully didn't believe him. He hadn't really expected her to. He'd hoped she'd be convinced; he'd wanted it so desperately that it overwhelmed him sometimes, but he hadn't expected her to be.  
Tonight was different though, tonight she'd told him that his beliefs were a lie. That he'd been playing into the hand of a government conspiracy. That he was never going to see his sister again. His whole life had been a search for Samantha. If Scully was right, not only was she gone, but it was his fault. Mulder noticed the TV blur and blinked back into focus. The sound was driving him crazy, a bunch of men with degrees droning on about their belief in extraterrestrials. He threw his remote at the TV. What did they know? They hadn't seen what he'd seen, but they'd believed. They didn't need evidence. Scully had been there with him, seen some of the things he'd seen, she still didn't believe. Scully believed he was being used.

'They gave me this disease to make you believe'

Scully believed her cancer was his fault. He buried his head in his hands as the tears ran down his face. He wondered how many deaths he was responsible for. He couldn't count the amount of witnesses and informants who had gotten killed for contacting him. People he'd convinced to risk their lives. And for what? Even if everything he believed in was true, who was he to say it was worth dying for? A crusade, a quest, a battle he couldn't win against foes he couldn't even identify much less fight.

He'd been an idiot to think he could go up against them. He'd been willing to risk his own life, but he was still alive. Forging on in the name of 'the truth' while everyone he cared about died. Even now he couldn't stop believing. But what good was the truth when he killed everyone he wanted to share it with? He'd avoided the blame for too long. It was time to admit to himself, if it hadn't been for him his sister would still be here. His dad would be alive, Deep Throat, X, Scully's sister, that was his fault too. All of them, his mom had almost been killed, and now, when he thought about the possibility. That he wasn't even his father's son… He almost hated her, hated her because he'd been born. That was what the argument had been about hadn't it? The one between his parents and smoking man? It had all been about him. And now he'd never see Samantha again. Maybe his whole life had been a lie. Just like Scully said.

'He said they gave me this disease to make you believe.'

Maybe he was nothing more than a lie. An incarnation of a deception he'd been created to perpetuate.

'A cure for Agent Scully'

If Skinner was right they had a cure. If Scully was right they wouldn't use it as long as he was in the way. Mulder studied the pistol in his hand. The one he'd laid on his table. He didn't even remember picking it up. After so many years in the FBI it felt natural to hold it. It was like a part of his hand. The cold grip warmed beneath his fingers.

"Scully"

He put the gun to his temple, the cold metal touching hot forehead. The tears ran down his face. She'd risked her life so many times for him. She'd gone farther than any partner would or should go. And he'd let her, even asked her to risk it for him, for his beliefs. Because he selfishly needed her to believe him. Scully was right, there was something wrong with him that he would risk her like this. His head ached and his heart felt flayed open with agony

'This disease'

He thought of all the times he'd walked away from her. His helplessness was a constant source of anguish that he couldn't escape. And so she left her alone when she needed him. No, when she needed someone better than him. Someone who wouldn't turn away and go running after little green men when she was dying.

'To make you believe'

Well now he wasn't helpless anymore. There was something he could do to save her. He thought of Smoking Man, the horrifying possibility that the man could be his father. Mulder tightened his grip on the gun. The very idea of that man's blood running through his veins made him want to kill himself. Scully didn't believe it. But then, Scully believed what she wanted to believe and denied everything else. She didn't have his memories, and she probably would have told him anything to keep him sane. But today she'd finally been honest, like he'd wanted her to be all along.

'They gave me this disease to make you believe.'

'A cure for agent Scully'

Words, thoughts, memories, raced through his mind. Smoking Man. He'd come to hate the man more than he loved his own life. And Scully, Scully meant more to him than life itself.

"Scully" he sobbed, the tears pouring down his face.

'A cure for Agent Scully'

'They gave me this disease to make you believe.'

'A cure'

'He said they gave me this disease'

'For Agent Scully'

'To make you believe'

"SCULLY!" Her name tore from his throat with all the force in his body.

'To make you believe. To make you believe. To make you believe'

"I believe Scully" The words rang out loudly in the silent room. And he pulled the trigger.


End file.
